I thought after my last article, I might resort to something slightly more light-hearted to follow it. I tried to write something. Then I tried again. I kept trying until I realised I felt anything but light-hearted and stopped. How I actually feel, is angry! So incredibly angry! I’m writing this after the mother of all meltdowns, having not slept for two actual nights and with a tear-stained face..

Why am I angry? Truthfully, it’s not down to one thing but rather a culmination of the past 9 months and especially the last 2 weeks. I’m angry with myself over and above anyone or anything. What it boils down to, quite sadly, is that I’m angry because I haven’t enjoyed this incredible pregnancy I’ve waited 8 years to experience. I’ve almost hated it. And that’s so difficult to admit. Especially because I’ve connected with so many wonderfully open, strong and courageous women on the subject of miscarriage and infertility over the years and I feel like an ungrateful little cow sitting here only a few days away from having my rainbow baby and admitting that I’ve not particularly loved the experience of growing her. When I know so many others would hack off their own legs to be in my position.. But it’s true. I’ve spent 9 months preoccupied by ‘what if’s’, feeling disconnected from my body and what’s happening inside it and feeling resentful of other pregnant women who are seemingly loving the journey. I thought the resentment towards other pregnant women would subside once I fell pregnant but if anything, it’s increased. It isn’t them as people, it isn’t the fact they’re pregnant, it’s simply that I’d love to live in someone else’s untroubled mind for a while to see what that feels like and obviously, I can’t.

I’m worried I’ve wasted this experience. I could have tried harder to enjoy it, I know I could. I could have tried harder to make peace with the past but I didn’t. I could have tried to find those days where it all felt a bit easier and clung on to them but I didn’t. I just existed in those moments, which seems like such a criminal waste! So I’m angry with myself and that’s coming out in the most unpleasant way – I’m not very nice to be around at the moment! Just ask Tom..

He found me crying in the office this morning and asked me what was wrong. I let rip. It wasn’t pretty and it wasn’t at all fair. He stormed off for a few moments and then came back and did the most wonderful thing a person could possibly have done – he located a notepad and a pen and said, ‘say that again, I’m going to write it down and see if I can help with any of it.’ Which made me cry even more. But that’s what we did, I babbled away about all the things that are making me angry and all the things I can’t stay on top of, all the things I feel I can’t control (because ultimately that’s what this all boils down to I suspect) and he put them into 4 lists:

A) Priority, just get them done – plus a rough idea of how long they’ll take. The hard, ‘I can’t face it’ list but concentrate on how good it’ll feel to tick those off.

B) After a well-earned break, once you’ve lifted the weight and pressure off, what would be good to get done and would make you feel good for finishing?

C) What is niggling at you? Can we work through any of those? Perhaps any small jobs someone else could help with.

D) What doesn’t have a time limit but you feel better having shared it and maybe there’s something we could do to help in time? Or maybe not but we’ll make a note of it in any case.

Can I recommend now, if you ever experience a full melt-down and feel you can’t see the wood for the trees – refer back to this way of listing things! It’s very helpful and even better if someone else can help you compile it. I feel so much better already. Tom and I will argue about who used the last egg, who didn’t put the garage key back in the allocated pot, spend 3 days in a ridiculous huff with each other over the correct way to load the dishwasher BUT when sh*t really hits the fan and one (or both) of us are in the thick of something, we got into quite a stealthy mode of being which is just as well. He needs space and then communication. I need communication then space. It’s quite simple really but something we only annoyingly reserve for our very worst moments! C’est la vie.

Writing this article was third on the list for lots of reasons but primarily because writing actually helps me feel sane. I have a slightly bonkers internal monologue I can’t seem to switch off so writing things down is usually helpful. I’m also 2 weeks behind and my failed attempt at writing something useful and authentic was annoying me in the waking hours of the night. I’d start something, delete it, start again, and so on. But today I feel like I can’t type quick enough so it’s clearly something I need to make space for.

Being angry with myself won’t solve anything and it might deeply offend a group of people I’ve tried so hard to be gentle with (as mentioned above) but I always respect people who voice their slightly controversial feelings. It’s not always easy to read, sometimes it’s annoying and other times, it can actually make you question whether you like them – how dare they?! But I’m not going to lie and pretend any more, it’s probably one of the reasons I’ve got so much pent-up anger in the first place. I Should be enjoying this, I Should be sitting here with nothing but gratitude. I should, I should, I should. Well, what if I’m not? What if I’m angry? What if I’m resentful still? What if I’m sad? What then? Yes it might come across badly but it's honest and who knows, I might not be the only person who’s been through something similar and felt all these things?! So here it is. I’m desperately trying to make sense of the anger and this is where I’ve landed. I’m desperate for this baby to arrive safely into the world and to regain some control over myself. And I’m desperate for people to stop telling me to ‘just enjoy the last little bit, you’ll regret it if you don’t.’ If only they knew just how hard (albeit well-meaning) that comment can be to hear. Because they’re right and that’s even worse! I fully anticipate being awake with a grizzling newborn in a few weeks time, so tired I can barely remember our names and wishing so badly I’d ‘just enjoyed that last little bit….’ But try as I might, it’s not proving enjoyable. I welcome the pain of labour, the exhaustion of breast-feeding, chaos undoing all the frantic ‘nesting’ I’ve undertaken. Because she’ll be here where I can see her, where I can touch her and where I can finally say, ‘I grew a baby and despite the odds, it didn’t go wrong and break my heart again.’ I doubt I’ll be able to relax (having a newborn isn’t conducive to such things let’s be honest) but I doubt I’ll be angry any more. And who knows, I might even be able to reflect and allow myself some grace for these slightly controversial feelings I’ve been having. Maybe I’m not a total lunatic, perhaps I’ve just never seen someone say they felt angry whilst pregnant when it’s been so longed for. Only time will tell. I really don’t know how this will read, it might come across badly and if it upsets you then I’m truly sorry. I certainly haven’t set out with that intention, far from it. It’s impossible to take everyone’s feelings into consideration when sharing your own and so for once, I’m just listening to my own and this is how they sound.